Jazz Hands
by LadyRiona
Summary: Yes, a crackfic featuring Ed, Envy, and some other random folks. Pretty basic: Envy's beating the crap out of Ed, again, when something crackish happens. What? I'll leave that to you. NO YAOI


**Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, Edward, or Envy. They are the creations of Hiromu Arakawa-sensei, may she live long and prosper. Now do I own the sole idea of this fic, "Jazz Hands." It came from my friend Ashley last year at our homeschool group. I merely wrote it for her finally.**

**Author's Note: This is my first crackfic, and it's a birthday present. Haha. I made a card to go with it, using screenshots of manga panels to fit the story accordingly. It only goes from "Okay, Chibi, are you ready?" to Ed clenching his hands; didn't have enough room on the paper. (haha) Anyway, please enjoy. ETU readers, I'm working on chapter 30, I promise. I wrote a little the other day. (shock)**

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**_Jazz Hands_  
by: LadyRiona**

Edward Elric groaned as he fell to the alleyway ground with a _thud_. It was raining, so all the garbage was especially smelly, erupting in a horrible stench as his body fell among it. Earlier, it had been hot as blazes, only deciding to rain when trouble had appeared. Ed and his brother had been minding their own business, _as usual_, when their arch enemy had suddenly appeared out of seemingly nowhere.

"Envy," Ed had growled, wasting no time in transmuting his automail to a handblade. The Homunculus had merely sneered at the glinting metal. Almost immediately after that, dark clouds had appeared overhead and rain had begun to pour. It had been like an omen, a bad one. Al had been in his ear, telling him to ignore Envy. Ed, being as stubborn as he was, hadn't listened at all.

And thusly had the living daylights beaten out of him to the point that he was bleeding from almost every orifice of his body and probably had a few cracked ribs. His automail was also busted already. That dang Homunculus fought too well for his own good. One of these days, Ed was gonna get the best of him.

Currently, Al was gone to find the military to try to capture the Homunculus. Since they had announced that out loud, Ed figured that Envy wasn't going to stick around for too much longer. He was probably going to make a finishing blow to put Ed in the hospital for a week or two and cause Winry to end up in Central - _again_. Just like after what had happened at the Fifth Lab.

Ah, here came that finishing blow. As Ed opened his eyes, he saw the Homunculus standing before him. Ed looked up at his opponent, staring him in the eyes so he could haunt him in death. The expression on Envy's face was menacing. Ed would remember it forever, those deep purple eyes staring down at him in hatred, the hatred he claimed to be so fierce, it would continue for ages to come.

Ed groaned, tilting his head to one side, and closed his eyes at last. He was ready. He was ready to receive the blow that would either end his life there, or make him wish his life had ended. It didn't come, however.

Slowly, the golden haired alchemist opened his eyes. Envy was still staring down at him, now looking amused. "Why don't you...kill me now?" Ed asked weakly, shifting a little in the garbage. Like it mattered; he was about to die anyway.

Envy knelt down carefully, leaning his face close to Ed's. Ed couldn't feel any breath from his opponent to brush his skin. "Why not now?" Envy asked, laughing cynically. "Because I have a question for you."

A...question? Ed, even though he was feeling miserable with the rain pouring down on his face and very many injuries, was intrigued. "What?" he spat. Okay, maybe he wasn't just intrigued. Maybe he was a little irritated at the Homunculus' obvious amusement with Ed's current situation.

How often did one find themself like this? Beaten halfway to death by their opponent, lying in wet, smelly garbage, in the pouring rain and the person to put them in that place wanted to ask them a question. Not very often, Ed guessed.

Very slowly, the Homunculus stood up. He fisted both hands and Ed flinched, preparing himself for the rain of punches he was expecting. Instead, he heard Envy's throaty voice speaking to him again. "Do you like...jazz hands?" Envy asked suddenly.

Edward was so surprised; he nearly jumped up out of the trash currently staining clothing. "W...what?" he barely managed. _Jazz hands!_

Envy seemed exciting, continuing this bit of insanity. "C'mon Chibi--" Ed growled "--JAZZ HANDS!" With that exclamation, Envy struck a pose in which his knees were slightly bent, feet apart, and hands spread wide at the sides of his shoulders. A candid, almost excited expression was on Envy's face.

Ed could _not_ believe this. "Jazz hands," he repeated. In a normal pace, Edward stood to his feet, all of his injuries seemingly gone. "Envy..." Ed began, turning to walk off, "You have problems."

There was silence in which Ed _had_ to look back at his enemy. Said enemy was giving him a skeptical expression, like he couldn't believe Ed had said he had problems. "Look who's talkin', pipsqueak," Envy said, lifting a eyebrow.

"Pip...squeak?" Ed muttered. He turned around fully, glaring at Envy. "Who are _you_ callin' a flea-and-paramecium-sized-super-shrimp?" Ed screeched, pointing at Envy then trying to kick him in the head. (Where had his broken bones gone?)

Envy just barely dodged the kick, holding up both hands. "Wait a minute!" he yelled, doing that "jazz hands" pose again. "I didn't _say_ all that!"

Ed fumed, fisting his hands at his sides. Envy seemed to notice that. He walked up to Ed and took his hands, raising them to shoulder level. "You're doing it wrong," he said, suddenly the epitome of helpfulness. "Like, this!" Envy exclaimed, striking his own pose for jazz hands once more. "C'mon, chib--err, just try it!"

With much reluctance, Edward had his hands pried open to something that hardly resembled "jazz hands." But very slowly, Ed felt a strange thing pulsing through him. The rain gradually began to stop as he thought more on this...feeling.

"Jazz hands?" Ed asked, looking at his hands, then at Envy's.

"Jazz hands," Envy confirmed, nodding. He re-struck the pose for good measure.

Ed paused for a moment before, in slow motion, did a small hop, landing with bent knees and hands stretched out, mirroring Envy. "Jazz hands!" they shouted in unison.

At the same time, the dark clouds overhead disappeared like they hadn't been there before. There were voices coming up the alley, Al and the military. Both Ed and Envy stopped their posing just as the others reached them.

"Brother, are you all right?" Al asked Ed, seeing the blood all over his body.

Ed nodded. "Fine, little brother!" he said in an overly-jovial tone. He looked at Envy, who was giving the military suspicious glances.

"Well, time for me to go! There are plenty of plans that I have to carry out to lead you to your ultimate demise, Edward!" Envy said, turning to walk off.

With another nod, Ed waved. "Okay! See you then!" he shouted back.

Envy stopped when he was about to hop over the dead end of the alleyway. "Oh! Don't forget..." he turned around and struck the pose once more, "jazz hands!" Ed repeated the pose with his enemy-turned-jazz-hands-partner. "Catch ya later, Fullmetal Pipsqueak!"

There was silence as Envy disappeared. Ed twitched. "Don't call me short!" he shouted suddenly, pointing and flailing his arms at the wall.

The military and Al looked at Ed. Ed looked at Al and the military. All three parties wore confused and curious expressions. Al spoke first, however, with:

"Should I ask?"

Ed shook his head immediately. "No."

Al nodded his big armor head. "I won't."

After a few more moments, everyone began to clear out of the alleyway. Ed was last. Just before he turned the corner to go back to the military headquarters, he stopped. Then he hopped. Landed with bent knees. And hands stretched out at shoulder height. "Jazz hands," he whispered.

"Brother, are you coming?" Al asked from up ahead.

Ed blinked then rushed after his younger but bigger brother. "Yeah! I'm coming!"

And thus was the story of Jazz Hands.


End file.
